Happiness

by Emerald

11/10/1999

*Be happy...*

Those were his last words to me. It seems like ages have come between that moment and now. But it was merely a couple of hours...

Ending this horrible day with a golden key I still had to deal with Kevin, his questions and acusations. *How did a guy like that dare to come closer to my things? And how was I  so stupid to invite him to my pool?* How? How? And then the warnings *Stay away from me man!*

Poor Kevin, if only he could guess! But in his limited mind there are only two subjects: competitions and how to get free from Jesse. And he is completely blind when one of these things is occupying his ideias.

Oh! And thaks heaven! Because that day, on my home, when Steve had me fully on his shoulders, Kevin was so intended in practicing that the awkwardness of the minute faded as if it had never appeared among us.

Kevin... the innocent dumb creature. No, not innocent, and not dumb; more likely a very ignorant young man who once was my friend. He is the cause of my disgrace and desire to fall. His earlier attitudes today made me do what I did. What I, prey of old fears, mindlessly did. I hit my love.

God...it hurts so bad to remember that... especially because after such a horrible gesture I realized how much I loved this boy, owner of the most radiant smile I had ever seen. Love you Steve...

As the sun goes down on the desert school fields the knowledge that I’m about to lose my heart and hope once more is so brutally clear that I end up throwing my trophy far away from me. My symbol of glory and high status in school. This is a joke...

Everybody knew it now! Well, at least the ones that count. My parents, Jesse, Kev, so surely the team...they all knew it now!

And so did I!! Because even if I shall never talk to him again I know my feelings are true and that I’m so tired of keeping hiding them. I’m outed and without him. Where is the meaning of it all?

I’m afraid my cowardice will lead me away from being happy. If only I had supported him in that decisive moment on the stage...a tiny smile at least!! But I denied him once more, I let him down for the third time that day. And even so in the end he wished me to be happy!

I can only see one way for me to be happy... I want to be with him again, I want to feel his stroking hands on my neck, his soft lips caressing and teasing mine. I want me back in his life! I need this happiness with him.

The early evening pink sky shines and a slightly cold wind tell me it’s time to go home. It looked like that staying in this empty school I could revert the whole situation. Nothing happened! But everything happened.

So I pick up my trophy from the floor, dry the hot running tears that cross all over my face and start my path going home. His home.

*******

Tell me what you think! emeraldkeller@yahoo.com.br

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